This is what generational work looks like...
This is what generational work looks like...
I wrote this sitting in my car after the weekly Aldi shop.
Currently: stretching out my braids longer than I should have
Reading: The Lagos Wife by Vanessa Walters – love a bit of African Noir and enjoying this immensely!
Watching: Dear Mama: The Saga of Afeni and Tupac Shakur – an intimate and insightful perspective on the rap icon and his equally iconic mother.
Listening: Normal Gossip – a truly hilarious podcast where Kelsey McKinney retells “juicy, strange, funny, and utterly banal gossip about people you’ll never know and never meet”.
Thinking: about a to-do list that is much too long to be of any real use
Bear with me as I get Biblical for a moment…
One of my favourite stories from the Old Testament is the story of Deborah, Barak, Jael and Sisera (you can find it in Judges 4). Long story short: the Hebrew Israelites were living in disobedience and as a result they were oppressed. Deborah was a leader at the time and she tells Barak that he is the guy that’s meant to wage war against the Israelites’ oppressors and free them.
Deborah lets him know that victory is assured because the Lord is backing the battle, but Barak is like, “OK, cool, but I ain’t gonna do this unless you come with me.” Deborah is then like, “OK, calm, but because you’re a shook one, you are not gonna get the ratings for the big win. It’s gonna go to a woman!” (Paraphrase and poetic licence but all in the spirit of the story.)
Skipping to the end of the battle, Sisera – the general of the opposing army – abandons his chariot and runs looking shelter. He approaches a settlement where Jael, a regular-degular woman, is going about her business and offers to hide him from those who are chasing him. Sisera enters Jael’s tent, gets comfy and goes to sleep then Jael (an expert tent maker as many women of that region were at the time) drives a tent peg into the sleeping general’s head and – to put it technically – “dun di darnce” for the enemies of the Israelites.
I love Jael, she is clearly the star of the show and gets her own shout out in Deborah’s praise song in the following chapter, but when I was re-reading the story this morning, something else stood out. When Deborah agrees to accompany Barak into battle she says, “I will surely go with you. Nevertheless, the road on which you are going will not lead to your glory, for the Lord will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.” (Judges 4:9 ESV)
“The road on which you are going will not lead to your glory…” reverberated in my mind, because isn’t that what we all want? Glory, validation, recognition of the quality of our efforts and whatever we have achieved?
Earlier this week, I was invited to a lunch with director Roger Ross Williams, author Ibram X. Kendi and executive producer Mara Brock Akil – some of the folks behind Stamped From The Beginning, Netflix’s new part-scripted documentary revealing the birth of racist ideology in the US. The lunch was an intimate affair with other Black British people working in academia, broadcasting and media, film, content creation and philanthropy. The idea was Mara Brock Akil’s, as she wanted to create a space for meaningful connections and conversations to happen.
We sat and discussed our experiences as Black Brits working in our various industries, the hurdles we face and how we might overcome them. It was a challenging and fortifying conversation with plenty of food for thought and some meaningful exchanges of ideas and contact information.
One thing that kept coming up was the scale of what is trying to be achieved in terms of racial equity, community advancement and societal progress, and the ups and downs of being a part of this work. I found myself saying more than once, “this is generational work, we’re not gonna see the results we’d like in our lifetime but we’re building upon what has come before and setting new foundations for those that come after…”
“The road on which you are going will not lead to your glory…”
In our individualistic, capitalist society, personal glory and advancement is seen as a worthy goal. I spoke with one person at the lunch who explained how an older person in his industry told him, “Your problem is that you’re too nice, you always want to help everybody!” – the implication being that this generosity would ultimately cost him.
There is that “African” proverb (most likely based on an actual Luo proverb, an ethnic group from the East Africa) that says if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together. Short term glory, riches, recognition is probably all found easier and quicker by being very self-centred in your approach to life, but it isn’t hard to argue that real lasting value is found in the long-term collaborative work of like-minds working in tandem.
I’ve been thinking about this on many different levels. I was complaining this week about how monotonous family life often is. I love a good routine, but the daily circus of school runs, day job, prepping dinner, arguments over bedtime, falling asleep exhausted, rinse and repeat can feel mind numbing on a bad day. Like clockwork, every Friday when the kids are out of their uniforms, the weekly wash begins, with the washing machine often not stopping motion until Monday morning when I manage to chuck in my own laundry before the week really gets its hooks into me.
I want to travel to far flung places, I want to write five bestselling books that win prestigious prizes, I want to make a load of money and upgrade my car and buy designer bags. But between premium flight prices during school holidays, the constant merrygoround of familial obligations and the fact that children don’t stop growing, don’t stop needing, don’t stop eating your money, these three things remain on my wish list…for now.
After that luminary lunch, I went to another industry event that was similarly inspiring, then I came home to a warning that my youngest child was having a moment. He was overly tired, overly stimulated and acting out, completely decimating his father’s patience, so I needed to tag in and deal with the ongoing tantrum.
I changed him into his pyjamas, dodging flailing arms and bracing myself against semi-hysterical rants from a four year old who was getting more irate when it became clear that I couldn’t understand what the heck he was screaming about. Then I sat him on my lap and rocked him to sleep, marvelling at how I could go from hobnobbing with industry peers and icons to wiping snot from a 4 year old’s face with the sleeve of a very cute dress I’ve only worn twice because he wouldn’t let me stand up to get the wipes. Then I opened my phone and recorded this video, for my own sanity more than anything else.
“The road on which you are going will not lead to your glory…”
I’m thinking about this now in regards to my kids and all the things I knowingly sacrifice because I want to be a present and active mother. The monotony of family life is intentional, because I know that children need security and stability, especially in their formative years. I am their anchor while they are trying to pilot their little ships and have (age-appropriate) adventures. I am a safe harbour they know they can always return to whenever they feel they may have strayed too far or need reassurance.
While appreciation is necessary (we are only human after all) and good work should be acknowledged and celebrated, being in a caring role like parenthood is often a thankless task. You will go for so long wondering if you’re doing the right thing or making the right decision, then out of nowhere a sign will come sailing into your eye line like a paper plane, confirming that you’re on the right path. One sign for me this week was when my eldest asked if he could start keeping a diary. As a writer who has kept a diary all her adult life I was on it like Sonic, asking him what type of notebook he likes to write in, if he had a preference of size and cover colour, lined or blank pages?
I’d really love to reach all the career highs that sit on my vision board, and maybe when the kids get older and need me in a different way, I will have all the time in the world to write Pulitzer Prize-winning novels (although, time is a vacuum, always looking for something else to fill it). But maybe, it’ll be my son revealing in a documentary about his life how his mother was the one who bought him his first diary and that lead to whatever heights he will achieve. Both would be wonderful, but I’d happily settle for the latter.
My mom spoke to me about writing a book before she died. She asked for my help with it, which I said I’d give, but of course you think you have all the time in the world. We both did. Me writing a book (or two – second novel coming 2024!) is possible because of who she was and her impact on my life. It’s why I dedicated Hope & Glory to my mother and my children – this is generational work.
“The road on which you are going will not lead to your glory…”
“Basking in reflected glory” is psychological phenomenon where an individual identifies with the success or accomplishment of others due belonging to defined social group. It is generally a positive phenomenon which increases individual self-esteem as well as maintaining positive relationships with people within that social group. Think of sports fans who are absolutely ecstatic when their team wins, kissing and hugging other fans in the street after the big game; think of England when the national football team is doing well in the World Cup.
So often our concept of winning is a zero sum game: winner takes all, either you win or you don’t. You are individually glorious or you are totally insignificant. It is an attitude that I have to fight against constantly. Part of this fight is leaving social media because it stirs up the glory-hunting part of me (although I did regress this week, but this is imperfect work, OK?!) another part of this fight is soaking myself in stuff that encourages feelings of awe and wonder and the sensation of “basking in reflected glory”.
In recent weeks that has been going to the Taylor Wessing Photo Portrait Prize exhibition and noting how many young black photographers were featured; reading Toni Morrison and Nella Larsen and marvelling at the worlds that black women have created with their words; watching Reservation Dogs and Dark Winds and feeling deeply emotional about how the stories of Indigenous people are finally – and so beautifully – being told.
It’s also realising that as much as there is work to be done, the world my children are growing up in is so different from the world that was available to me at their age. And as tiny as my role is, that truly is generational work, and a glory I cannot help but bask in.